Psychiatric Help 5¢

"Of course, sometimes, mornings aren't so pleasant either. Waking up and wondering if anyone would really miss me if I never got out of bed. Then there's the night, too. Lying there and thinking about all the stupid things I've done during the day. And all those hours in between when I do all those stupid things." - You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown.

It's been awhile since I've shared my shenanigans and there have been reasons for it. One reason is since I'm not living abroad anymore, I feel like my life isn't as interesting. I'm not seeing as many new things. Another reason is, I've been working on my mental health. It's real hard to write a blog post when your thoughts are clouded.

This is probably the most vulnerable post that I will write. But it needs to be written. I've struggled with depression for a few years. Before I moved to London I was on an anti-depressant. I adjusted to London life for the most part but there were a few months that I struggled but I got through it I guess.

Back in February, I gave a lesson in church on depression. It was very difficult for me because I was in the middle of dealing with my own. But something that I stressed during my lesson is how easy it is for an individual to hide it.

For example:

While teaching my lesson, I showed these images. I asked one girl to tell me what emotions were being displayed in the images. If I remember correctly she said, "caring, fun, people that love each other". Then I confessed. On the day these images were taken, I was on day three of crying almost constantly. I felt alone, hopeless, unmotivated, confused, lost and a whole plethora of other things. I contemplated giving up, I struggled to get out of bed, but I didn't tell anyone how I was feeling. Not really. Maybe I mentioned being frustrated or not liking something about life but for months no one really knew what I was going through. 

Why didn't I tell anyone how I was feeling? I mean, that's not an easy answer. I guess I thought I should be stronger than the emotions I was feeling. I didn't want to worry my parents. I also didn't want them to get mad at me if I couldn't "snap out of it" or be disappointed in me. I didn't want people to validate the awfulness that I was feeling because I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it. Deep down I knew I had things in my life to be thankful for and I didn't want to come off as ungrateful or be that girl that always complains about something. I wasn't ashamed of being depressed. I was ashamed of what I was depressed about. I don't know, don't ask that question to people who tell you they suffer from depression. It's not a black and white answer. At least it's not for me.

Just before this game, maybe a day or two, I broke. I was at work, fighting tears again. I called my mom and told her to meet me for lunch. She came and I cried for over an hour to her. We talked and both agreed I needed to talk to someone.

So, my point is, you can't SEE depression. It's not visible to the naked eye. So these pictures that I took, they're a lie. A hoax, smoke and mirrors. Nothing is as it seems. I want you to remember that, the next time you are scrolling through your social media and you see all your friends and family posting about what a good time they are having and all the wonderful things happening in their life. THEY 👏 ARE 👏 A 👏 LIE. You don't know what that smiling person is struggling though on your Instagram feed. You just don't.

Having said that, check in with your loved ones. Often. Listen to them. Offer them love, help, an open mind and then do it again. And then do it again. Don't stop checking on the people in your life, even if they seem happy.

At the beginning of my road to healthy mental health, I was telling my friend about how I had been struggling. She said, and I quote, "Really? I couldn't tell. I never knew." Well, yeah, people are really good at hiding depression. That doesn't mean it doesn't exist. So bug the people in your life, ask them too many times if they are okay.

I tell everyone that I see a therapist. I'm not ashamed. I love therapy. I think everyone should go to therapy even if you feel fine. I'm also on an anti-depressant and up until two weeks ago I was taking an anti-anxiety pill. 2020 really got me by my lady cojones. I take medication because I'm sick. Just like if I came down with the common cold, I would take a cold medication to deal with my symptoms. If you suffer from depression, you can take a medication to help with your symptoms. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

So why did I feel the need to write this blog post? Mental illness, and there are over 200 different types of it, needs to be talked about and treated. It's 2020 and it should no longer be taboo. Also, this is my blog and I want to. Full stop.

I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I'm doing really well and I'm finding new purposes in my life and I'm dealing with my emotions one at a time.

Susan "Don't worry, be happy" B.

The Joy Of Painting

I didn't exactly grow up watching Bob Ross, but I remember seeing him on t.v. and as an adult I can appreciate him more than I did as a child. What's that saying? The good die young. Bob Ross was one of the best. If you are not familiar with him or his work or The Joy of Painting, you are doing yourself a disservice. And that hair! Swoon! So when I found out that a local painting studio was celebrating Bob Ross' birthday (20 days early) I did not hesitate to sign up.

This is painted in a bathroom stall.

I never like my paintings when I'm sitting in the studio comparing it to the paintings around me, the original painting or the instructor's painting. But then I get it home and it grows on me. I actually like what I've done. I felt pretty good about my painting throughout the class. I needed a little help from the instructor at the end to clean up some edges but other than that it came out pretty good.

The final masterpiece.

I enjoy many artistic outlets. Drawing with chalk, painting, writing, doodling, at work I get to create social media posts and images. It's something that I really love about my job. I like being able to use that part of my brain.

Complete with happy little trees.

Yeah. I had it framed. I think Bob would have been proud.

Susan "Just beat the devil out of it" B.

Tales From The Crypt

I know not everyone believes in ghosts. I do. I believe in ghosts and spirits. I don't believe in aliens but that's another subject. The reason I believe in ghosts is because I saw one.

Share a ghost story.

I was little, around three. My mom had put me in my bed to take a nap. I remember my room being filled with light because it was daylight outside. Before she left my room and closed the door, she pulled my closet door closed. I never slept with it open. As an adult, if I had a closet door I would sleep with it closed. It brings me comfort.

Something got me out of bed that day. I don't know if it was a noise or a feeling but I got up and went to my closet. I pulled it open. My mom had an ottoman that doubled as a storage box. It had a lid that opened and she kept her sewing paraphernalia in it. It was orange and 70's print plastic. She kept it in my closet since my clothes didn't hang long enough to cover it.

When I opened my closet door, I found a woman sitting on my mom's ottoman. She looked like my mom and I had the distinct thought that I shouldn't feel scared. I actually remember thinking that. The woman wore a dress and she leaned forward just slightly. She said, "everything is okay, go back to bed." There may have been a longer conversation but I was only three and that is the only thing I remember.

For years I did not tell anyone about that encounter. I knew, even as a child, that people may not believe me or they would try to tell me that I must have been dreaming or some other disbelieving B.S. Then one day, I think I was 24, I was at my brother's house. We were standing outside and for some reason I told him about seeing this woman who I believed to be my mom's mom. He nodded and smiled politely as I recounted my encounter. In my mind I was thinking, he doesn't believe me. He's going to say something like, "huh?" when I'm done talking. I was mentally preparing myself for the kind of reaction that I had feared since I was three.

When I finished my story about our departed grandmother hanging out in my closet, my brother said, "That's so weird cause I talked to a woman in my closet that I always thought was mom's mom." When my brother was in the second grade, he heard a woman from his closet ask him how school was going. He didn't tell anyone for the same reasons I didn't tell anyone. Shortly after we told my mom. For the most part people believe what we saw but there are others that don't and that's okay. I know what I saw and my brother knows who he heard and that's all that really matters.

Susan "I ain't scared of no ghost" B.

I Live In Fear

Share a list of your biggest fears:

At the top of this list is Being Alone. I've wrote about this before. It's something that I've been struggling with as of late and has taken up residency in my thoughts and my heart to where it's almost debilitating on a daily basis.

Spiders. I'm better at disposing of them than I was before. One time, after I had moved to London, I had my window open to let in the London air. Sometime after I found the BIGGEST eight legged intruder in my sink (also in the bedroom). I literally stared down that creep for ten minutes and then finally, I took my pink slipper with a side bow and I brought it down harder than Thor and his hammer. The impact disassembled him. I have no regrets.

Clowns. Just no. I've never been okay with clowns. Maybe because my brother made me watch It at a young age? A couple of years ago, on Halloween, I was at my brother's house helping hand out candy and hanging out with the homies in the front yard. A few houses away I spotted a man dressed as a clown complete with face make-up. I stood up from my chair, handed off the candy and said, "I'm going in the house till he is gone." Not only did I go inside, I went around and locked every door that I could and then stared out the front window. The clown stopped and stared at me staring at him. My heart was in my throat. He started to walk toward the front door. I bolted. I went upstairs. Yeah, I know that's a typical horror movie mistake. I heard door knobs rattle followed by laughter. Eventually, the clown left but not before he made friends with my brother and sister in law who tried to let him into the house to scare me but couldn't because I had locked all the doors.

Being trapped. This is a literal fear that I have wrote about before. Large crowds where I can't find a way out bring me to tears. Small cramped spaces ignite anxiety. Being strapped down or tied up gives me heart palpitations. But also, feeling trapped in my life. Feeling like I'm not moving forward or progressing is also scary to me.

Feel free to tell me your fears in the comment section.

Susan "always a bridesmaid, never a bride" B.

Many A Necklace Becomes A Noose

Today's topic is a flashback to my childhood. Share a scary Halloween Memory. Back in the day when my world was one block wide, my best friend lived up and across the street from me. Not far, three houses up so at a young age I was trusted to walk up to her house alone.

It was the month of October, early, and Halloween decorations were sprinkled throughout the neighborhood. One evening I confidently left the warmth and comfort of my home and headed up the street after I had crossed it to my besties house. I looked both ways for cars before crossing and pulled my sweater closed to protect myself against the chill in the air. I made it to my best friend's neighbor's house. The house just before hers. I got mid-way through their front yard when I just happened to look up. That's when I stopped, frozen. The inhabitants of the home has tied a noose and hung what looked like a VERY real man from the tree in their front yard. I was terrified. My little heart caught in my chest and then rapidly beat. I stared at the hanging body trying to decide if it was real or decoration OR a real person waiting to descend and scare unsuspecting passersby.

I don't know how long I stood there. I didn't know what to do. I was positive they were going to jump down at me and I knew I wouldn't be able to handle that. I didn't know what to do. Finally, some unforeseen force took over and I ran. I ran as fast as my little legs would run and I didn't look back.

It was a traumatizing event. I CANNOT look at bodies hanging. Let me explain. I enjoy watching The Handmaids Tale, however, I have to look away from the t.v. if it shows actors portraying a person that has been hung. I feel agitated looking at pictures of people hanging like on the cover of books even if it's just an illustration. Seeing that type of image makes me uncomfortable and slightly sick.

So there it is. A very scary Halloween moment for a very little Susan that has haunted me clear into adulthood.

Susan "Hang in there, Baby" B.

One, Two, Freddy's Coming For You

Write a list of your favorite horror movies.

Ha! I'm such a chicken when it comes to scary movies. I always have been. I LOVE watching horror movies in theory. One of my favorite scary shows to watch is American Horror Story BUT I can only watch it when the sun is out AND I have to watch a comedy chaser afterward.

Growing up I was lucky to have two older brothers who "forced" me to watch scary movies. Maybe it's why I'm traumatized and still a scaredy-cat. I like all the classics and a few of the new ones. So, in no particular order and a little explanation, here they are:

1. Friday the 13th - I watched this as a child with my brothers. I thought I was pretty cool but I was low-key terrified.

2. Nightmare On Elm Street - I watched the OG with the brothers but there was one time when I was thirteen I watched one by myself, in the daylight of course. As a result I had to sleep on the floor in my parent's room for the next two nights because I was scared to go to sleep.

3. Halloween - Another classic introduced to me by my brothers. Today, I really enjoy the music.

4. It - !00% the reason I have a clown phobia. Yes, my brothers made me watch it. I still watch it every time it comes on t.v. I'm not as scared of the original as I used to be but, the new It: Chapter One and Chapter Two, well I actually screamed out loud during Chapter One while in the movie theater and I had my eyes closed A LOT for Chapter Two so there's that.

5. Zombieland - My absolute favorite! It's got the walking dead and laughs around every corner. I am really excited for Zombieland Double Tap to come out this month. If you haven't seen the first movie, do yourself a favor and watch it. You will not be disappointed.

I drew this on my chalkboard at work.

6. Children of the Corn - I watched this as a child too...with my brothers. I really had something to prove.

7. Scream - But only the first one. I went on a date to the drive-in to see this one. Good times.

8. The Shining - Classic.

9. The Blair Witch Project - I didn't see this one in the theater however, I did watch it alone on Halloween night right after it had come out. I literally slept with the lights on and my door open for two weeks straight. It terrified me. I have not seen it since then.

10. Poltergeist - All of them. I really related to Caroline Ann. We were both little blond girls.

What is your favorite scary movie? Tell me in the comments.

Susan "You'll Float Too" B.

Maybe I'm Basic

For today's topic, I'm suppose to share a pumpkin flavored recipe. Not only is it the most delicious recipe for cookies, but it only has three ingredients and they are super simple to make. I wish I had some sort of anecdote to accompany this recipe. I need a story about how these cookies changed someones life. I don't have anything like that to share though.

I know there is a stigma around Basic Girls and pumpkin flavored food such as Pumpkin Spice Lattes but you are fooling yourself if you don't eat anything pumpkin flavored this time of year. I made these  the last two years and brought them to work and they were gobbled up pretty quickly.

Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Cookies:

Ingredients:

1 box of pumpkin muffin mix from Trader Joe's
1 can of pumpkin also from Trader Joe's
1 bag of semi-sweet chocolate chips from wherever you want

Mix all the ingredients in a large mixing bowl. Heap spoon fulls of dough onto a greased cookie sheet and bake for 8-10 minutes at 350 degrees.

These are my favorite Fall guilty pleasure! I might just make these this weekend.

Susan "Basic Bitch" B.