Being Single…Still

It's February and I've decided to do something a little different. I have pre-written some blog posts to post thoughout the month, and the running theme is…{drum roll}…LOVE! Don't worry, it's not too mushy. Mostly just my naked heart and soul splattered on a internet page. So here are my thoughts on still being single:

I hate it. I want nothing more than for this single life to be a part of my past.

When I was young–like elementary school young–I developed a little anxiety about divorce. I didn’t understand the dynamics of divorce at the time but I knew I wanted nothing to do with it as an adult. I don’t really know why it stressed me out; I grew up around loving relationships and the only individuals I knew that were divorced were my third grade best friend’s parents. Actually, I don’t think I ever met them. I just heard my friend talk about how her parents were divorced and vowed that I would never let that happen to me.

Little did I know that what I should have been worrying about was finding someone to marry! Forget divorce; I’ve got to convince someone to walk down the aisle with me before I can let that anxiety control my life. Not just someone, but THE one. A Homer to my Marge. Peanut butter to my jelly. Frosting to my cupcake.

I’ve always wanted to be in love. I’ve always wanted to love someone and have him love me back equally. It hasn’t happened.

One summer, as a child, I went to a day camp for a week with some of my neighborhood friends. One of our day trips was to the beach and I can distinctly remember four of us playing together in the water: me, two other girls, and one boy. I watched as one of my friends interacted with this boy. I recognized the ease of their banter and felt a little baffled. She was...flirting with him? Is that flirting? Should I be flirting? Does someone want to flirt with me? Would I ever have the courage to flirt?

Through junior high and high school, with the image of my friend at the beach in mind, I perfected my flirting. When I became an adult, flirting became a different beast.

When I was 22, I wanted to get married. I was ready to settle down, find my mister, have a family. I remember being at a party one night and discussing finding love with my friend Steven. At the time, he had just begun his journey with his now wife. I will never forget his words of advice. He said, “If you want to find love, stop looking.” It puzzled me.

Since Steven shared his words of wisdom on me that night, I tried to stop looking for love, hoping instead that it would find me. But then I grow restless waiting and I can’t help but search for love. When I walk into a crowded room, I survey the people around me and pay attention to my heartbeat. If someone catches my eye, I immediately look at his ring finger. This is a constant. I do it everywhere: in malls, on trains, at restaurants, sporting events, church activities, in line at the grocery store. My heart can’t seem to stop searching.

This constant search often leads me to depression. I actively feel lonely and withdraw. I cry alone and question all of my life decisions. I often find reasons why I’m not good enough or worthy of love. It’s a vicious cycle.

I feel like I’ve done so much in my life to find love–so much for the past 16 years. I’ve signed up for a few dating websites and I’m still on one now. I frequent singles activities sponsored by my church, I’ve asked (see: begged) friends to set me up on blind dates. I’ve even gone on some blind dates. I’ve searched Facebook for eligible bachelors. I’ve fallen secretly in love with so many men but have never told them. Hell, I moved halfway across the world hoping to find love.

If I’m invited to parties, weddings, or anything of the like, I go in hopes that he’ll be there. I attend classes and frequent popular local spots to see if maybe I will bump into him.  I volunteer for random charities and clean-ups. I’ve spent hours on my knees, tears flowing to the floor, pleading with my God to help me find him. That prayer goes unanswered still.

When I do find him, I imagine there will be an epiphany. A moment long before we discuss our future where I will look into his suddenly-familiar eyes and say, “I looked everywhere for you.”

Susan "I Gotta Whole Lotta Love" B.

Writing My Own Story

I've always been a big believer in goals. Not for accomplishment, but for growth. I feel a constant need to move forward, to learn, to live. As a child, I would dream about the changes I would go through each summer. How I could re-invent myself before the new school year. New clothes, a tan, any physical change that would prove I was evolving as a person.  

That desire has not dimmed. I continue to look for ways to move forward. I don't want my life to become stagnant. So each year in January I try to think of goals to accomplish that year. I'm usually pretty successful. However, "Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans." That's okay with me. As long as life continues to propel me forward.

I hate New Years Eve. I suffer a lot of anxiety on that day. I fear that everyone on the road is a drunk driver. I worry that my plans will not go accordingly or that out of all the events to go to, I'll choose the one that I have the least fun at, or what can I wear that is sparkly and comfortable? I've never had a bad NYE. But as I've gotten older, I just don't enjoy it as much. My most fun NYE was in 2001 when two of my friends and I stood in Time Square to watch the ball drop. I guess I hit the trifecta that year and every year has paled in comparison since.

This year, I didn't even try. I had invites to a couple different celebrations, but the truth is, I didn't want hang out outside in the cold, or feel alone in a room full of (single) strangers, or be the only sober person among a bunch of drunks. But society tells me that we need to "ring in the new year". Well, this year, I stuck it to the man! I saw Star Wars with the 'rents, and then I went to bed at 10pm. I'm not even sorry. So I was absent from social media platforms that night. Big deal, I had on sweats and slippers and no regrets. The next morning, I woke up, ran two miles through my deserted neighborhood, hit the gym and spent time pondering how I can grow as a person in the next 365 days.

So, here are my goals for this year:

Write more. So far so good. I've got a lot of thoughts swirling around so I just need to get them out!

Topics I want to write about: Love, family, travel, adventures, the unexpected, women worth mentioning, books, trials, things that suck.

Fitness. This makes the list every year. I love working out. I love the challenge. I love pushing my strength to the limit. I love gasping for air and feeling my heart pound in my chest. It reminds me I'm alive.

For years I have wanted to teach group fitness. I always pictured my self teaching kickboxing, one of my favorite ways to get my heart pumping. There has always been a piece of me that is terrified of going through teaching. What if no one likes my class? What if I teach everything in 20 minutes when it's suppose to be an hour? What if I don't challenge anyone physically? What if it's too challenging? How will I come up with choreography and on and on. But this year I have decided to take the bull by the horns. I am currently researching different certifications to reach barre. It's like ballet on crack. So far my favorite certification is for BootyBarre. I love the style and the results. It's also the most expensive. This will happen. When it does, I will blog about it.

Travel. I haven't traveled as often as I did when I lived in London. I miss it. Feels like a part of me is missing and there is still so much of the world that I want to discover.

Where I want to go: Vancouver, New York, London, Massachusetts, one of the Carolina's, Hershey Pennsylvania, Seattle and my own backyard.

Love and Relationships. This is my Mount Everest.

I will continue to search for companionship. I want a love like Carl and Ellie from Up (2009).

I have more goals like, bake something new once a month (let me know if you would like to be the recipient of these goodies), move to my own place, make more money, save more money. I've pretty much covered the big ones. So here is to 2016!

Susan "ch ch ch changes" B.

*All photos were taken from Pinterest and Google Images. They are not my own.

2015: A Year In Review

I can't believe how quickly 2015 came and went! It was a good year for me, however, I went ahead and got the first mistake of 2016 out of the way on January 2nd. In an attempt to transfer photos from my phone to my laptop, I restored my phone, thus wiping all of 2015's photos from existence. Well, maybe not completely. I have an appointment with a technology genius to see if we can restore some/all of the photos I lost. Fingers crossed! I did some fancy footwork and got the following photos from Instagram and Facebook so that I would not have to delay this much anticipated (ha!) blog post.

 The year started off with a New Year's Day hike up Skyline with my good friend Jone and her daughter and work out buddies.

 I didn't realize how much time was spent with this sweet girl, my cousin, Shannon, in 2015 as proven by the following photos. Here we are after lunch and valuable catch up time.

 Sadly, this is the first and last photo taken of Tammy and I in 2015. She was so sweet and cooked me dinner and we exchanged our holiday gifts and then we both got so busy we were only able to communicate through text and social. I'm going to make it a goal to see this sweet friend of my more in 2016.

 Shannon and Hannah cooked me dinner and hung out with me! So much cousin love.

A super fun outing with one of my newest and cutest friends, Stephanie! We did one of those paint nights and I don't think we did too badly.

 On Valentine's Day, I took two people that I love most in the world to a Taylor Swift Exhibit at the Grammy Museum in Los Angeles! We started off at In N Out where Christa, Eric, Maddi, Lily and I ate before our trek out to L.A. The girls and I drove out and walked around the exhibit, reminiscing about the T-Swift concerts we had been to. We sang Taylor's songs in a recording booth and oohed and aahed at the tour and red carpet dresses on display. We saw the rest of the museum but my favorite, of course was the TS exhibit. After the exhibit, I took the girls to Sprinkles Cupcakes where we got cupcakes from the ATM! Then a quick trip to Starbucks before we headed home. All in all, one of my favorite Valentine Days.

 For as many times as I was at the beach in 2014, I think I only put my toes in the sand while inhaling salt air twice in 2015. Not my best. Something else to work on.

 In April, my sweet baby cousin married the love of his life and I was so honored to be a part of their special day. Here I am with my squad. I adore these girls.

 Quick cousin pic during all the wedding festivities.

The happy couple and Chris and I.

 The summer kicked off with a visit from my favorite Utah family! We did nothing but fun things for a whole weekend! 

 Angel game with the whole fam!

 Then we went to Aquarium of the Pacific! We also had a movie night and trips to the park.

 Chloe got baptized!

 The fourth of July is for sure my second favorite holiday. Kaylene and I went to my ward pancake breakfast.

I bbq for my parents and Eric and then that night, we all headed to St. Johns to watch the fireworks.

 Stephanie and I went to Top of the World in Laguna Beach and hiked until I felt like I had got a sufficient sunburn (not on purpose of course).

Always a wedding guest, never a bride. I was so happy to be at Makenna's wedding. She was stunning and I was so proud of her. 

 By far the highlight of 2015 was taking my girls to the Taylor Swift 1989 concert! We saw her in San Diego this time around. I convinced the girls that we needed matching t-shirts and they convince me that I needed to make them. So after weeks of sketching, planning, screen shots and designing, I not only made our t-shirts but I also made us hoodies! Super cute and the girls said they loved them.

 We ate at Burger King (their pick) when we got into San Diego and we made a quick stop at Starbucks before heading to Pet Co Stadium. Our seats were GREAT! We got bracelets that lit up to Taylor's songs and the girls and I danced and sang and had a good time. I love our T-Swift concert experiences. The girls get along and we always have a great time. The girls got a concert book like they do every tour and Lily got guitar picks. She started taking guitar lessons in 2015 so buying picks seemed appropriate.

 Just before we left for the concert.

My sweet nieces. 

 Labor day was still one of the hottest in the books! I invited a cute boy to hike Skyline with me. Sadly, nothing ever developed between us. After our hike, I had lunch with Kaylene at Miguel Senior.

 Kaylene said, "Let's go to a Centennial football game and wear our Letterman jackets." So I said, "Okay!" We met for dinner at Nordstrom and then headed to the game where the huskies mopped the field with the other team. I'm pretty sure they won because we were there cheering them on.

 My first favorite holiday, Halloween! I love dressing up every year. Two of my co-workers, David and Taylor showed up and the three of us were so excited to represent some of the Justice League. My boss, Doug, did a little photoshop magic!

 My favorite day of the year, MY BIRTHDAY! I don't mind getting older. I really don't. I just love my birthday SO MUCH. Mostly for the cake, but also for all the great friends and family that I get to hang out with. My sweet friends from church, Kerri, Stephanie, Jenny and Jone took me out for pie.

My goofy co-workers, Doug and David took me to lunch. These two guys are two of my good friends. I'm so lucky to work with two people that I get along with and have such a good time with. It makes going to work that much easier.

 Of course my family showered me with love and cake on my special day!

 OH MAN! Thanksgiving was so fun this year! Eric's family and I went up to Utah to spend Thanksgiving with Jason, Abby, Lizzie and Captain. Thanksgiving morning we played in our first Turkey Bowl! The blue flag team won! It was so much fun but also FREEZING!

 We played games, cooked dinner, took pictures and watched a Inside Out.

 By far, my most favorite Thanksgiving.

I was so lucky I got to play with Camille while I was in SLC! We did a little shopping, walked around Temple Square and took pictures, froze our little California hineys off and had dinner!

 On our back to California, we stayed in Vegas. Right on Fremont Street. What a great area! I've never been to Fremont Street and it did not disappoint! The kids and I zip lined through Fremont! We stood in line FOREVER, froze a little once we were at the top and zipped about 45 seconds! It was really fun. I'm actually scared of heights so this was kind of a big deal for me.

 Maybe I just love dressing up. I went to an Ugly Sweater Christmas party and maybe my sweater isn't "ugly" but it sure was itchy!

 December started off by saying good-bye to a great man. Steve, my dad's cousin passed away. He was one of the kindest people I know. He was such an example to me and I'm truly going to miss him. In life, he owned a gun safe company. It was told to me that he would often joke that when he dies, to just put him in a safe and bury him. Well, check out his casket. A few of the guys that had worked for him, designed and built the top of his casket to look like a safe. A very sweet tribute.

Not a bad looking casket. It may be weird, I really like the matte look.

These sweet girls and I had an ornament exchange. We did the 12 Days of Christmas, but with only 6 days being represented. We will do the other six next year. It was so fun to have dinner and give our ornaments to each other. I can't wait to do it again.

SO, that is 2015. 

Susan "that is so last year" B.

November News

November blew past me this year! I love the month of November. Mainly because my favorite day of the year (my birthday) is in November. I love the chill in the air that gradually rolls through. I love Thanksgiving and hearing about every ones plans. I love the Christmas buzz toward the end of the month. I love the change that happens from October to November to December. Normally, I start my birthday countdown on October 23rd and remind my loved ones daily of how many shopping days they have left. This year I was busy "directing" my ward's roadshow. Before I knew it, it was November 8th and I was behind on my countdown! The roadshow, however, went off without a hitch! The kids did great and we didn't have any follies! Yeah us!

 My group of kids that I directed. I'm in the middle of all of them. This is right before our first performance.

 And then it was November 13th! Still no countdown. But I did go to a super fun garland making workshop in L.A. with my good friend, Camille! We met some new peeps, enjoyed hot chocolate and by the time we left, I was sneezing glitter out of my nose!

 The birthday celebrations began with my two favorite people on the planet! My parents took me to dinner at Bennihana.

 Then this motley crue took me to Farrell's for some birthday ice cream!

And sushi with Diana ended the weekend. All in all it was a wonderful birthday with lots of love, laughter, family and friends.

Not pictured but still close to my heart events: My primary class that I teach on Sunday's had birthday cupcakes with me.

Kaylene, Chloe and Terri took me to lunch at Panera complete with sweet gifts!

All year I thought back to what I was doing last year at this time. I was finishing my final days of University in London and getting ready to move back to the states. I still miss it so much. I often think about my old neighborhood in Kennsington and what color the leaves would be in Hyde Park or going to the movies at the Odeon Cinema down the street. I also think about the German markets on Southbank at Christmas time and the millions of lights that shine the way to Harrods. A big part of my heart belongs to London. London changed me. I can't believe how quickly the time has passed. I'm working on creating new adventure's. There is a big one out there for me, I can feel it. I've decided that this year is the year that big changes happen for me.

Susan "The Times They Are A Changing" B.