"Of course, sometimes, mornings aren't so pleasant either. Waking up and wondering if anyone would really miss me if I never got out of bed. Then there's the night, too. Lying there and thinking about all the stupid things I've done during the day. And all those hours in between when I do all those stupid things." - You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown.
It's been awhile since I've shared my shenanigans and there have been reasons for it. One reason is since I'm not living abroad anymore, I feel like my life isn't as interesting. I'm not seeing as many new things. Another reason is, I've been working on my mental health. It's real hard to write a blog post when your thoughts are clouded.This is probably the most vulnerable post that I will write. But it needs to be written. I've struggled with depression for a few years. Before I moved to London I was on an anti-depressant. I adjusted to London life for the most part but there were a few months that I struggled but I got through it I guess.
Back in February, I gave a lesson in church on depression. It was very difficult for me because I was in the middle of dealing with my own. But something that I stressed during my lesson is how easy it is for an individual to hide it.
For example:
While teaching my lesson, I showed these images. I asked one girl to tell me what emotions were being displayed in the images. If I remember correctly she said, "caring, fun, people that love each other". Then I confessed. On the day these images were taken, I was on day three of crying almost constantly. I felt alone, hopeless, unmotivated, confused, lost and a whole plethora of other things. I contemplated giving up, I struggled to get out of bed, but I didn't tell anyone how I was feeling. Not really. Maybe I mentioned being frustrated or not liking something about life but for months no one really knew what I was going through.
Why didn't I tell anyone how I was feeling? I mean, that's not an easy answer. I guess I thought I should be stronger than the emotions I was feeling. I didn't want to worry my parents. I also didn't want them to get mad at me if I couldn't "snap out of it" or be disappointed in me. I didn't want people to validate the awfulness that I was feeling because I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it. Deep down I knew I had things in my life to be thankful for and I didn't want to come off as ungrateful or be that girl that always complains about something. I wasn't ashamed of being depressed. I was ashamed of what I was depressed about. I don't know, don't ask that question to people who tell you they suffer from depression. It's not a black and white answer. At least it's not for me.
Just before this game, maybe a day or two, I broke. I was at work, fighting tears again. I called my mom and told her to meet me for lunch. She came and I cried for over an hour to her. We talked and both agreed I needed to talk to someone.
So, my point is, you can't SEE depression. It's not visible to the naked eye. So these pictures that I took, they're a lie. A hoax, smoke and mirrors. Nothing is as it seems. I want you to remember that, the next time you are scrolling through your social media and you see all your friends and family posting about what a good time they are having and all the wonderful things happening in their life. THEY 👏 ARE 👏 A 👏 LIE. You don't know what that smiling person is struggling though on your Instagram feed. You just don't.
Having said that, check in with your loved ones. Often. Listen to them. Offer them love, help, an open mind and then do it again. And then do it again. Don't stop checking on the people in your life, even if they seem happy.
At the beginning of my road to healthy mental health, I was telling my friend about how I had been struggling. She said, and I quote, "Really? I couldn't tell. I never knew." Well, yeah, people are really good at hiding depression. That doesn't mean it doesn't exist. So bug the people in your life, ask them too many times if they are okay.
I tell everyone that I see a therapist. I'm not ashamed. I love therapy. I think everyone should go to therapy even if you feel fine. I'm also on an anti-depressant and up until two weeks ago I was taking an anti-anxiety pill. 2020 really got me by my lady cojones. I take medication because I'm sick. Just like if I came down with the common cold, I would take a cold medication to deal with my symptoms. If you suffer from depression, you can take a medication to help with your symptoms. It's nothing to be ashamed of.
So why did I feel the need to write this blog post? Mental illness, and there are over 200 different types of it, needs to be talked about and treated. It's 2020 and it should no longer be taboo. Also, this is my blog and I want to. Full stop.
I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I'm doing really well and I'm finding new purposes in my life and I'm dealing with my emotions one at a time.
Susan "Don't worry, be happy" B.
