My heart has been very heavy this past week. My mom's sweet best friend passed away after a three year battle with cancer. We knew it was coming, it was just a matter of time. And then a week ago Friday, we found out. I cried with my mom as I held her. I will miss Michele, but what's more is, I know how much my mom will miss her and I can't help but hurt for my mother's loss.
So, this past week, I thought a lot about death and dying and how I have coped with it in my lifetime. Don't be discouraged, this post might be about death, but I'll try to keep it upbeat. I have a few stories.
My first experience I can remember about death was when I was five years old. One day, in my kindergarten class, a boy named Jacob handed out invitations to his birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese. Everybody in the class got one. Everyone except me. I was devastated. My mom picked me up from school that day and I was crying. I cried from the classroom all the way through the parking lot and just as we approached our station wagon I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Jacob and he held out a white envelope with my name on it. It was an invitation to his birthday party.
The day of the party, all the kids were dropped off at Jacobs house and from there, we were carpooled to the nearest Chuck E. Cheese where we ate pizza, played in the mouse hole with the strobe light and mastered the game of Skee-Ball. It was every kids birthday party dream. When the parents were tired and out of coins we all piled back in the cars and drove home.
As we drove up Magnolia, just before turning left onto Kellogg, my driver (Jacob's mom) noticed two dogs lying in the median. I don't remember what she said, but she seemed perplexed as she recognized the dogs as her own. She pulled over and got out to check on them. When she got back in the car she said something about how she didn't know how they had gotten out, and that they must have been hit by a car and were killed.
As a five year old, I was not familiar with death yet, however, I remember knowing that the situation, sucked. I didn't cry or react to Jacob and his sister's sorrow for their lost furry friends. But in my heart, I knew it was an awful event for their family.
This is my kindergarten picture. Who wouldn't want this girl at their birthday party? I did not become a fun, party-animal of an adult by being a boring five year old.
A few years later, a pet of mine lost his life. He was a goldfish. To be honest, I don't remember "loving" him or even naming him. I fed him and kept him clean. I don't think I ever considered him my best friend, we didn't have long heart felt talks or anything. One day, my family was getting ready to head out. We were taking our foreign exchange student somewhere. She and I were in my room when she looked down, put her hand over her mouth and said, "oops". As she lifted her left foot, she revealed my nameless fish, lying breathless on the floor. I don't know how he got from his bowl to the floor (fish suicide?) but she had stepped on him, therefore, I blamed her. I cried. Bawled. You would have thought that fish was my soul mate the way I grieved. Thinking back, I don't know why I reacted that way. Maybe because I had a better understanding of death and I knew that crying was a reasonable thing to do.
When I was 10, my great-Aunt Mary died. She was 97 years old when she passed. I think I met her once or twice. She lived in Ely, Nevada with about 99 other citizens. My family drove up to be at her funeral. She was my mother's aunt and they had been close. I have one memory of when my Aunt Mary was alive and that was of my brothers and I swimming around in a pond near her house. Thinking about it, it seems super gross. Once we were at the funeral, we shuffled through the viewing line to pay our respects and then found a seat in the chapel. Hers was the first dead body I had seen. I remember seeing her hands and thinking that they looked like plastic. As we sat and listened to the eulogies given, I began to cry. My mom looked over and asked me, "what's wrong?". I don't remember my exact answer but I remember feeling bad that she was no longer living. I didn't really have any other reason to be crying than that.
This family picture was taken at the cemetery at my Aunt Mary's funeral.
Not long after that picture was taken, my oldest brother, Jason had a friend that was tragically killed in a car accident. I remember it being very hard on him and a confusing time. One day, and I can't remember why, he told me, "When you are in high school, you will know at least one person who dies." I didn't believe him.
Three days before my 17th birthday, my brother Eric's best friend was killed in a car accident. His death turned my world upside down and inside out. Billy was the kid down the street. He was my first real crush and it was a BIG crush. I had plans to marry him. I once told my mother, "I'm going to have his children one day." It's what ever mother wants to hear their fourteen year old daughter say. Billy's death made me realize how fragile and quick life can be. For a long time I saw everyone as being one car door slam away from death. I was also convinced that I too would die young and tragically. I even made out a will that I gave to my mom so she would know what to do in the event of my untimely demise.
Here is a story NOT about death (per say):
When I was 24, I was living in an apartment in Riverside. I went to my parents house one day, probably to do laundry or eat. I went upstairs and found my mom in the bonus room, lounging in the recliner, wearing a walking shoe. I asked her what had happen and she told me that while she was vacuuming she had stubbed her baby toe on the corner of the wall and dislocated it. I kinda giggled. She said, "Do you want to see it?" Nothing could have prepared me for what happened next. After she removed her sock, I looked down on her poor, little, limp and bruised baby toe. SMACK! I felt like I hit a brick wall. This was the first time in my life that I had seen my mom's body NOT in it's "perfect" form. It was at that moment that I thought, wait, you hit your toe on the corner of the wall and the impact of it did not bring the house down? How are you not standing on a pile of ruble with the sun shining on your face and a cape blowing in the wind? I then realized that it's not steel that runs through my mother's veins but mere mortal blood. All these years I had thought that even Superman's kryptonite was no match for my mother. It had never occurred to me that when I was being snotty to her, it might actually hurt her feelings or that there was anything in the world that could bring her down. My point is, I always thought my mother was immortal and it was then that I realized she isn't.
I think a lot of people share that same sentiment about their own mother. As I got older, I could see super human qualities in other women. I saw those qualities in my mom's friend, Michele. I know that when people die after battling cancer, its often said, "He/She lost the battle". Michele was a lot of things. A mother, friend, sister, wife, kind, caring, compassionate, friendly, honest, centered on Christ, teacher, adventure-seeker and so much more. But she was NOT a loser. I realize that the score board reflects a victory for cancer, but if anyone lost anything, it was her friends and family that lost a wonderful person.
When I was younger, I didn't know how to cope with death. I'm still learning. But having religious faith helps me understand why I'm here and where I'm going. Our mortal lives are but a speck of our existence. As a Mormon, this is what I believe:
God is the Father of our spirits. We are created in His image. We have a divine nature and destiny.
Before we were born, we lived with God, the Father of our spirits. All persons on earth are literally brothers and sisters in the family of God.
Our life on earth has purpose. Coming to earth is part of God's plan for us to gain a physical body and learn to choose between good and evil.
Our Heavenly Father sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to be our Savior and show us the way to live according to God's plan.
Following God's plan for us is the surest way to find happiness and endure life's challenges.
Our lives will not end when we die. Our future lives are determined by the way we live our lives now.
If you want to know more about what we believe, the above information was found at http://www.lds.org/topics/plan-of-salvation?lang=eng
It goes into greater detail.
Susan "R.I.P." B.
