Taking The Bull By The Horns

Sometimes, you have to take the bull by the horns. I have. I have asked a guy out four times but, sadly, have been rejected three times.

The first, I met in SLC while I was studying to earn my Associates degree. He was in my institute class,  which if you don't know is like Bible study but we earned college credit since we attended and LDS school. He was tall with curly brown hair that hung down his head like a mop and had a wide smile below a pair of sparkling brown eyes.

I tried my hardest to find and empty seat next to him when we class together. On the days I did, my heart would pound in my chest and my palms would sweat profusely, but I was usually able to make small talk with him. I learned that he loved basketball. He talked about it a lot.

At work one day, the accounting team I was a part of was given tickets to the Utah Jazz basketball game. Not just any tickets-tickets for the company suite. It seemed like the planets were aligning and, after some coaxing from my roommates, I decided to invite Josh to the game. In the back seat of my roommate's car on the way to a Chinese dinner, I called him.

I got straight to the point and asked him if he would like to go to the Jazz game with me. He said no; he was leaving for a trip to Europe within the week and didn't think he would have time. Strike one.

I licked my wounds for a year or two before I asked another guy out. This time I was living in California and there was a suitable young man in my ward at church. Coincidentally, he also liked basketball and was a coach at a nearby high school. I crushed on this guy for a while before I asked him out, but finally called him while sitting in my car in the church parking lot. I asked if he wanted to have dinner sometime. His answer was, "No, I'm really busy with basketball season right now." Strike two. I licked my wounds even longer after that one.

Just over a year ago, every time I checked my Facebook I would notice that section titled PEOPLE YOU MIGHT KNOW. There was always a profile of one guy who caught my eye and every time I would look to see who our mutual friends were and try to figure out if we had ever met in person. I discovered that our mutual friends were people with whom I went to junior high and he went to high school with.

One day I decided to send a friend request to him just to see what would happen. He accepted! That ended up feeling lame…now we were friends on Facebook and nothing else. I discussed the situation with my best friend and her boyfriend at the time, who told me I should send him a message and ask if he want to meet. I was still apprehensive; I needed word for word instruction. My friend's boyfriend told me, "Give him a compliment and then see if he wants to meet up sometime. Don't beat around the bush. Get in and get out." Good advice.

So, standing in my best friends kitchen, I wrote a message. I apologized for being so forward, told him I thought he was handsome, then asked him if he was single and if he wanted to hang out. In and out.

He was such a sweetheart in his next message. He complimented me and told me he was flattered, but that he had just started dating someone and wanted to see where it went. Curse him for being so nice! He sent such a sweet reply that I had a hard time getting mad at him for rejecting me. I told him she was a lucky girl and went on my way. Strike three.

Just recently I reconnected with someone that I used to hang out with at church. I put myself out there and invited him to go hiking. He said yes (very enthusiastically, I might add). We had a great time visiting on a good two-hour hike but, sadly nothing ever came of it. I don't think he was interested the same way I was. Foul ball.

My impatience and frustration to find love continues to grow and corrupt me. Is there something wrong with me? Am I doing it wrong? I often feel like I'm banging my head against a wall. I have a constant ache in my heart.

I have accepted the challenge. I will not give up on love. I'm going to soldier on and hope there is someone looking for me just as diligently as I look for him. No stone will be left unturned.

Susan "You Mess With The Bull, You Get The Horns" B.

Being Single…Still

It's February and I've decided to do something a little different. I have pre-written some blog posts to post thoughout the month, and the running theme is…{drum roll}…LOVE! Don't worry, it's not too mushy. Mostly just my naked heart and soul splattered on a internet page. So here are my thoughts on still being single:

I hate it. I want nothing more than for this single life to be a part of my past.

When I was young–like elementary school young–I developed a little anxiety about divorce. I didn’t understand the dynamics of divorce at the time but I knew I wanted nothing to do with it as an adult. I don’t really know why it stressed me out; I grew up around loving relationships and the only individuals I knew that were divorced were my third grade best friend’s parents. Actually, I don’t think I ever met them. I just heard my friend talk about how her parents were divorced and vowed that I would never let that happen to me.

Little did I know that what I should have been worrying about was finding someone to marry! Forget divorce; I’ve got to convince someone to walk down the aisle with me before I can let that anxiety control my life. Not just someone, but THE one. A Homer to my Marge. Peanut butter to my jelly. Frosting to my cupcake.

I’ve always wanted to be in love. I’ve always wanted to love someone and have him love me back equally. It hasn’t happened.

One summer, as a child, I went to a day camp for a week with some of my neighborhood friends. One of our day trips was to the beach and I can distinctly remember four of us playing together in the water: me, two other girls, and one boy. I watched as one of my friends interacted with this boy. I recognized the ease of their banter and felt a little baffled. She was...flirting with him? Is that flirting? Should I be flirting? Does someone want to flirt with me? Would I ever have the courage to flirt?

Through junior high and high school, with the image of my friend at the beach in mind, I perfected my flirting. When I became an adult, flirting became a different beast.

When I was 22, I wanted to get married. I was ready to settle down, find my mister, have a family. I remember being at a party one night and discussing finding love with my friend Steven. At the time, he had just begun his journey with his now wife. I will never forget his words of advice. He said, “If you want to find love, stop looking.” It puzzled me.

Since Steven shared his words of wisdom on me that night, I tried to stop looking for love, hoping instead that it would find me. But then I grow restless waiting and I can’t help but search for love. When I walk into a crowded room, I survey the people around me and pay attention to my heartbeat. If someone catches my eye, I immediately look at his ring finger. This is a constant. I do it everywhere: in malls, on trains, at restaurants, sporting events, church activities, in line at the grocery store. My heart can’t seem to stop searching.

This constant search often leads me to depression. I actively feel lonely and withdraw. I cry alone and question all of my life decisions. I often find reasons why I’m not good enough or worthy of love. It’s a vicious cycle.

I feel like I’ve done so much in my life to find love–so much for the past 16 years. I’ve signed up for a few dating websites and I’m still on one now. I frequent singles activities sponsored by my church, I’ve asked (see: begged) friends to set me up on blind dates. I’ve even gone on some blind dates. I’ve searched Facebook for eligible bachelors. I’ve fallen secretly in love with so many men but have never told them. Hell, I moved halfway across the world hoping to find love.

If I’m invited to parties, weddings, or anything of the like, I go in hopes that he’ll be there. I attend classes and frequent popular local spots to see if maybe I will bump into him.  I volunteer for random charities and clean-ups. I’ve spent hours on my knees, tears flowing to the floor, pleading with my God to help me find him. That prayer goes unanswered still.

When I do find him, I imagine there will be an epiphany. A moment long before we discuss our future where I will look into his suddenly-familiar eyes and say, “I looked everywhere for you.”

Susan "I Gotta Whole Lotta Love" B.

Writing My Own Story

I've always been a big believer in goals. Not for accomplishment, but for growth. I feel a constant need to move forward, to learn, to live. As a child, I would dream about the changes I would go through each summer. How I could re-invent myself before the new school year. New clothes, a tan, any physical change that would prove I was evolving as a person.  

That desire has not dimmed. I continue to look for ways to move forward. I don't want my life to become stagnant. So each year in January I try to think of goals to accomplish that year. I'm usually pretty successful. However, "Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans." That's okay with me. As long as life continues to propel me forward.

I hate New Years Eve. I suffer a lot of anxiety on that day. I fear that everyone on the road is a drunk driver. I worry that my plans will not go accordingly or that out of all the events to go to, I'll choose the one that I have the least fun at, or what can I wear that is sparkly and comfortable? I've never had a bad NYE. But as I've gotten older, I just don't enjoy it as much. My most fun NYE was in 2001 when two of my friends and I stood in Time Square to watch the ball drop. I guess I hit the trifecta that year and every year has paled in comparison since.

This year, I didn't even try. I had invites to a couple different celebrations, but the truth is, I didn't want hang out outside in the cold, or feel alone in a room full of (single) strangers, or be the only sober person among a bunch of drunks. But society tells me that we need to "ring in the new year". Well, this year, I stuck it to the man! I saw Star Wars with the 'rents, and then I went to bed at 10pm. I'm not even sorry. So I was absent from social media platforms that night. Big deal, I had on sweats and slippers and no regrets. The next morning, I woke up, ran two miles through my deserted neighborhood, hit the gym and spent time pondering how I can grow as a person in the next 365 days.

So, here are my goals for this year:

Write more. So far so good. I've got a lot of thoughts swirling around so I just need to get them out!

Topics I want to write about: Love, family, travel, adventures, the unexpected, women worth mentioning, books, trials, things that suck.

Fitness. This makes the list every year. I love working out. I love the challenge. I love pushing my strength to the limit. I love gasping for air and feeling my heart pound in my chest. It reminds me I'm alive.

For years I have wanted to teach group fitness. I always pictured my self teaching kickboxing, one of my favorite ways to get my heart pumping. There has always been a piece of me that is terrified of going through teaching. What if no one likes my class? What if I teach everything in 20 minutes when it's suppose to be an hour? What if I don't challenge anyone physically? What if it's too challenging? How will I come up with choreography and on and on. But this year I have decided to take the bull by the horns. I am currently researching different certifications to reach barre. It's like ballet on crack. So far my favorite certification is for BootyBarre. I love the style and the results. It's also the most expensive. This will happen. When it does, I will blog about it.

Travel. I haven't traveled as often as I did when I lived in London. I miss it. Feels like a part of me is missing and there is still so much of the world that I want to discover.

Where I want to go: Vancouver, New York, London, Massachusetts, one of the Carolina's, Hershey Pennsylvania, Seattle and my own backyard.

Love and Relationships. This is my Mount Everest.

I will continue to search for companionship. I want a love like Carl and Ellie from Up (2009).

I have more goals like, bake something new once a month (let me know if you would like to be the recipient of these goodies), move to my own place, make more money, save more money. I've pretty much covered the big ones. So here is to 2016!

Susan "ch ch ch changes" B.

*All photos were taken from Pinterest and Google Images. They are not my own.

XOXO!

Susan "love you!" B.