My Dream Marriage Proposal

I imagine a lot of girls dream about how they'll be proposed to (and maybe some guys will think of how they'll pop the question.) In quiet times I like to imagine how I'll be proposed to. Here is my dream proposal scenario:

On our first date, he'll take me to the beach for a bonfire. We'll make tin foil dinners (my favorite!) and I'll bring the s'mores for dessert. Our conversation will be light and easy; mostly we'll laugh. We'll find humor in our everyday lives and be completely enamored with each other's mundane daily activities. Conversation will flow and we'll welcome silence when it interrupts. There will be no pressure. The first thing the two of us fall in love with is the way the other laughs. This is just the beginning.

On the night he proposes, we'll be at the same beach having a bonfire with a few of our close friends. The guys will be in charge of the tin foil dinners and, of course, there will be s'mores for dessert. I'll have absolutely no idea of his intentions, but everyone else will be in on the secret. When the dinners are done cooking, my man will bring me one on a paper plate and set it in front of me. The crowd will get quiet and I won't notice one of our friends recording us.

He'll say something like, "It's a little hot, let me open it for you." and kneel down to open the foil. When he does, there will be a jewelery box instead of a steaming steak and potato dinner. He'll open it and tell me sweet things about how he wants to spend eternity with me. Finally he'll say, "Will you marry me?" I won't be able to speak right at first because of the joy caught in my throat. So, I'll swallow hard, look him in the eyes, and exclaim, "HELL YES!"

He'll slide the ring on my finger and in that moment-the moment I think is the most important-I'll realize that he could slide a twist tie on my finger and I would still be overcome with happiness. This is just the beginning.

Susan "A Girl Can Dream" B.

Being Single…Still

It's February and I've decided to do something a little different. I have pre-written some blog posts to post thoughout the month, and the running theme is…{drum roll}…LOVE! Don't worry, it's not too mushy. Mostly just my naked heart and soul splattered on a internet page. So here are my thoughts on still being single:

I hate it. I want nothing more than for this single life to be a part of my past.

When I was young–like elementary school young–I developed a little anxiety about divorce. I didn’t understand the dynamics of divorce at the time but I knew I wanted nothing to do with it as an adult. I don’t really know why it stressed me out; I grew up around loving relationships and the only individuals I knew that were divorced were my third grade best friend’s parents. Actually, I don’t think I ever met them. I just heard my friend talk about how her parents were divorced and vowed that I would never let that happen to me.

Little did I know that what I should have been worrying about was finding someone to marry! Forget divorce; I’ve got to convince someone to walk down the aisle with me before I can let that anxiety control my life. Not just someone, but THE one. A Homer to my Marge. Peanut butter to my jelly. Frosting to my cupcake.

I’ve always wanted to be in love. I’ve always wanted to love someone and have him love me back equally. It hasn’t happened.

One summer, as a child, I went to a day camp for a week with some of my neighborhood friends. One of our day trips was to the beach and I can distinctly remember four of us playing together in the water: me, two other girls, and one boy. I watched as one of my friends interacted with this boy. I recognized the ease of their banter and felt a little baffled. She was...flirting with him? Is that flirting? Should I be flirting? Does someone want to flirt with me? Would I ever have the courage to flirt?

Through junior high and high school, with the image of my friend at the beach in mind, I perfected my flirting. When I became an adult, flirting became a different beast.

When I was 22, I wanted to get married. I was ready to settle down, find my mister, have a family. I remember being at a party one night and discussing finding love with my friend Steven. At the time, he had just begun his journey with his now wife. I will never forget his words of advice. He said, “If you want to find love, stop looking.” It puzzled me.

Since Steven shared his words of wisdom on me that night, I tried to stop looking for love, hoping instead that it would find me. But then I grow restless waiting and I can’t help but search for love. When I walk into a crowded room, I survey the people around me and pay attention to my heartbeat. If someone catches my eye, I immediately look at his ring finger. This is a constant. I do it everywhere: in malls, on trains, at restaurants, sporting events, church activities, in line at the grocery store. My heart can’t seem to stop searching.

This constant search often leads me to depression. I actively feel lonely and withdraw. I cry alone and question all of my life decisions. I often find reasons why I’m not good enough or worthy of love. It’s a vicious cycle.

I feel like I’ve done so much in my life to find love–so much for the past 16 years. I’ve signed up for a few dating websites and I’m still on one now. I frequent singles activities sponsored by my church, I’ve asked (see: begged) friends to set me up on blind dates. I’ve even gone on some blind dates. I’ve searched Facebook for eligible bachelors. I’ve fallen secretly in love with so many men but have never told them. Hell, I moved halfway across the world hoping to find love.

If I’m invited to parties, weddings, or anything of the like, I go in hopes that he’ll be there. I attend classes and frequent popular local spots to see if maybe I will bump into him.  I volunteer for random charities and clean-ups. I’ve spent hours on my knees, tears flowing to the floor, pleading with my God to help me find him. That prayer goes unanswered still.

When I do find him, I imagine there will be an epiphany. A moment long before we discuss our future where I will look into his suddenly-familiar eyes and say, “I looked everywhere for you.”

Susan "I Gotta Whole Lotta Love" B.