My Dream Marriage Proposal

I imagine a lot of girls dream about how they'll be proposed to (and maybe some guys will think of how they'll pop the question.) In quiet times I like to imagine how I'll be proposed to. Here is my dream proposal scenario:

On our first date, he'll take me to the beach for a bonfire. We'll make tin foil dinners (my favorite!) and I'll bring the s'mores for dessert. Our conversation will be light and easy; mostly we'll laugh. We'll find humor in our everyday lives and be completely enamored with each other's mundane daily activities. Conversation will flow and we'll welcome silence when it interrupts. There will be no pressure. The first thing the two of us fall in love with is the way the other laughs. This is just the beginning.

On the night he proposes, we'll be at the same beach having a bonfire with a few of our close friends. The guys will be in charge of the tin foil dinners and, of course, there will be s'mores for dessert. I'll have absolutely no idea of his intentions, but everyone else will be in on the secret. When the dinners are done cooking, my man will bring me one on a paper plate and set it in front of me. The crowd will get quiet and I won't notice one of our friends recording us.

He'll say something like, "It's a little hot, let me open it for you." and kneel down to open the foil. When he does, there will be a jewelery box instead of a steaming steak and potato dinner. He'll open it and tell me sweet things about how he wants to spend eternity with me. Finally he'll say, "Will you marry me?" I won't be able to speak right at first because of the joy caught in my throat. So, I'll swallow hard, look him in the eyes, and exclaim, "HELL YES!"

He'll slide the ring on my finger and in that moment-the moment I think is the most important-I'll realize that he could slide a twist tie on my finger and I would still be overcome with happiness. This is just the beginning.

Susan "A Girl Can Dream" B.

Taking The Bull By The Horns

Sometimes, you have to take the bull by the horns. I have. I have asked a guy out four times but, sadly, have been rejected three times.

The first, I met in SLC while I was studying to earn my Associates degree. He was in my institute class,  which if you don't know is like Bible study but we earned college credit since we attended and LDS school. He was tall with curly brown hair that hung down his head like a mop and had a wide smile below a pair of sparkling brown eyes.

I tried my hardest to find and empty seat next to him when we class together. On the days I did, my heart would pound in my chest and my palms would sweat profusely, but I was usually able to make small talk with him. I learned that he loved basketball. He talked about it a lot.

At work one day, the accounting team I was a part of was given tickets to the Utah Jazz basketball game. Not just any tickets-tickets for the company suite. It seemed like the planets were aligning and, after some coaxing from my roommates, I decided to invite Josh to the game. In the back seat of my roommate's car on the way to a Chinese dinner, I called him.

I got straight to the point and asked him if he would like to go to the Jazz game with me. He said no; he was leaving for a trip to Europe within the week and didn't think he would have time. Strike one.

I licked my wounds for a year or two before I asked another guy out. This time I was living in California and there was a suitable young man in my ward at church. Coincidentally, he also liked basketball and was a coach at a nearby high school. I crushed on this guy for a while before I asked him out, but finally called him while sitting in my car in the church parking lot. I asked if he wanted to have dinner sometime. His answer was, "No, I'm really busy with basketball season right now." Strike two. I licked my wounds even longer after that one.

Just over a year ago, every time I checked my Facebook I would notice that section titled PEOPLE YOU MIGHT KNOW. There was always a profile of one guy who caught my eye and every time I would look to see who our mutual friends were and try to figure out if we had ever met in person. I discovered that our mutual friends were people with whom I went to junior high and he went to high school with.

One day I decided to send a friend request to him just to see what would happen. He accepted! That ended up feeling lame…now we were friends on Facebook and nothing else. I discussed the situation with my best friend and her boyfriend at the time, who told me I should send him a message and ask if he want to meet. I was still apprehensive; I needed word for word instruction. My friend's boyfriend told me, "Give him a compliment and then see if he wants to meet up sometime. Don't beat around the bush. Get in and get out." Good advice.

So, standing in my best friends kitchen, I wrote a message. I apologized for being so forward, told him I thought he was handsome, then asked him if he was single and if he wanted to hang out. In and out.

He was such a sweetheart in his next message. He complimented me and told me he was flattered, but that he had just started dating someone and wanted to see where it went. Curse him for being so nice! He sent such a sweet reply that I had a hard time getting mad at him for rejecting me. I told him she was a lucky girl and went on my way. Strike three.

Just recently I reconnected with someone that I used to hang out with at church. I put myself out there and invited him to go hiking. He said yes (very enthusiastically, I might add). We had a great time visiting on a good two-hour hike but, sadly nothing ever came of it. I don't think he was interested the same way I was. Foul ball.

My impatience and frustration to find love continues to grow and corrupt me. Is there something wrong with me? Am I doing it wrong? I often feel like I'm banging my head against a wall. I have a constant ache in my heart.

I have accepted the challenge. I will not give up on love. I'm going to soldier on and hope there is someone looking for me just as diligently as I look for him. No stone will be left unturned.

Susan "You Mess With The Bull, You Get The Horns" B.

And The Award For Best Date Goes To...

It's almost Valentine's Day and it's award season. Not that I care about either but since I'm on the subject of love and mushy stuff, I have decided to give out a few awards to past dates that I've gone on.

Best Date

I was living in Salt Lake City, Utah at the time and my cousin, Matt set me up on a blind date. I can't remember the guy's name or even what he looked liked, but boy did we have a good time. It was the kind of date where I didn't have to explain my life story. I wasn't expected to have my life figured out.

The date was very simple, but super fun! It was a double date, thankfully. Matt, his date, me and my date started off the evening at Smith's Marketplace, a chain grocery and drugstore, where we purchased kites. If I'm honest, I wasn't too keen on my kite; it was a little boy's kite and the graphics on it were kind of lame, but it was the best they had. We stopped at Subway and picked up some fresh sandwiches before heading up to Big Cottonwood Canyon. We stopped at a picnic area at the bottom of the mountain, ate our subs and chatted. We weren't too concerned with anyone's life decisions or career choices or living situation. We were just four twenty-somethings having a picnic.

After we ate, we hiked a little ways up the mountain; not too far, just enough to get out of the trees. There was a nice clearing and we spent some time learning to fly kites, avoiding crashes with each other's kite, and basking in the peace and calm you feel when your kite is sailing in the sky. We were up there for a couple of hours before we hiked back down and went home.

I didn't fall in love. I didn't even develope a crush on my date (who was a great guy, just not the one for me). But I had a good time flying kites and not feeling pressured to explain my life's decisions to him. It's not always the most expensive dates you have the most fun on. It wasn't even the most creative; it was just a new activity with a new guy and no pressure. I remember it fondly.

Worst Date

Of course for every best date, there is a worst date. I started dating this guy when I was in my early twenties-we'll call him John*. One day, John calls me and says, "Let's go to the movies with Tim and Cindy. Meet us a Tim's house." I lived very close to John but I didn't mind meeting him at Tim's house, even though Tim lived on the opposite side of town.

When I got to Tim's house, no one was home. I go to the neighbor's house (I knew the guy) and use his phone because this was before cell phones were common. I call John who is still at home and tells me to meet him there instead. So, a little irritated, I drive all the way back across town to John's. When I walk in, John, Tim, and Cindy are going through the couch cushions to find change to pay for their movie tickets. As if the money situation wasn't enough of a joke already, we leave John's house to find a One Star machine to change coins into cash.

When we get to the theater, John steps up to the window and asks for a single ticket. I realize that I need to purchase my own ticket (which is not my idea of a date), adding kindling to the irriatated fire. I pay for my own ticket and decide that if I'm going to make through the rest of this "date" feigning happiness and love, I'm going to need a soda. I go to the snack counter and of course, purchase my own drink.

In the theater, John sits on my left and put my soda in the drink holder to the right. As we wait for the trailers to start, I see John turn and look at me out of the corner of my eye. He then SMACKS his lips and tongue, making an audible and disgusting noise. I know what he wants but there is no way I'm playing his game.

I turn to him and coolly ask, "What?"

Still not using his words like a big boy, he motions for my drink. MY drink! The one I paid for after paying for my movie ticket. After driving half way across town and back to go on a movie date he asked me to go on. The nerve! The audacity!

I begrudingly let him have a drink of my soda. When he was finished he set it in the cup holder between us. I picked it up, took a good swig from it, and set it back in the cup holder to the right of me.

I'd like to say that was the only time he made that awful mouth-lip-smack noise to alert me of his thirst, but it wasn't. He only did it a couple more times, but it irritated me every time.

John and I didn't have a long relationship.

Date Worth Mentioning

One Valentine's Day, a boy I had a crush on asked me to go to Disneyland with him on a double date. So fun! He didn't pick me up empty handed; he brought me chocolates in a velvet candy box. The four of us went on rides, goofed around the park and had a good time.

The boys had a reservation at The Blue Bayou for dinner. With my entree came a dinner salad with cherry tomatoes on top. I wasn't a fan of tomatoes at the time, but my dates friend said he would eat them. I took my fork and attempted to stab a tomato…which flew off my plate and out into the dark restaurant.

Remember that scene in Pretty Woman when Julia Roberts is trying to eat escargot but it slips off her utensil and the waiter smoothly catches it? Julia was able to smile and say, "Slippery little suckers." I was not as cute, but we all laughed about it and continued to have a good time.

*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the worst date loser winner and his friends.

Susan "Let's Go Fly A Kite, Up To The Highest Height" B.

Being Single…Still

It's February and I've decided to do something a little different. I have pre-written some blog posts to post thoughout the month, and the running theme is…{drum roll}…LOVE! Don't worry, it's not too mushy. Mostly just my naked heart and soul splattered on a internet page. So here are my thoughts on still being single:

I hate it. I want nothing more than for this single life to be a part of my past.

When I was young–like elementary school young–I developed a little anxiety about divorce. I didn’t understand the dynamics of divorce at the time but I knew I wanted nothing to do with it as an adult. I don’t really know why it stressed me out; I grew up around loving relationships and the only individuals I knew that were divorced were my third grade best friend’s parents. Actually, I don’t think I ever met them. I just heard my friend talk about how her parents were divorced and vowed that I would never let that happen to me.

Little did I know that what I should have been worrying about was finding someone to marry! Forget divorce; I’ve got to convince someone to walk down the aisle with me before I can let that anxiety control my life. Not just someone, but THE one. A Homer to my Marge. Peanut butter to my jelly. Frosting to my cupcake.

I’ve always wanted to be in love. I’ve always wanted to love someone and have him love me back equally. It hasn’t happened.

One summer, as a child, I went to a day camp for a week with some of my neighborhood friends. One of our day trips was to the beach and I can distinctly remember four of us playing together in the water: me, two other girls, and one boy. I watched as one of my friends interacted with this boy. I recognized the ease of their banter and felt a little baffled. She was...flirting with him? Is that flirting? Should I be flirting? Does someone want to flirt with me? Would I ever have the courage to flirt?

Through junior high and high school, with the image of my friend at the beach in mind, I perfected my flirting. When I became an adult, flirting became a different beast.

When I was 22, I wanted to get married. I was ready to settle down, find my mister, have a family. I remember being at a party one night and discussing finding love with my friend Steven. At the time, he had just begun his journey with his now wife. I will never forget his words of advice. He said, “If you want to find love, stop looking.” It puzzled me.

Since Steven shared his words of wisdom on me that night, I tried to stop looking for love, hoping instead that it would find me. But then I grow restless waiting and I can’t help but search for love. When I walk into a crowded room, I survey the people around me and pay attention to my heartbeat. If someone catches my eye, I immediately look at his ring finger. This is a constant. I do it everywhere: in malls, on trains, at restaurants, sporting events, church activities, in line at the grocery store. My heart can’t seem to stop searching.

This constant search often leads me to depression. I actively feel lonely and withdraw. I cry alone and question all of my life decisions. I often find reasons why I’m not good enough or worthy of love. It’s a vicious cycle.

I feel like I’ve done so much in my life to find love–so much for the past 16 years. I’ve signed up for a few dating websites and I’m still on one now. I frequent singles activities sponsored by my church, I’ve asked (see: begged) friends to set me up on blind dates. I’ve even gone on some blind dates. I’ve searched Facebook for eligible bachelors. I’ve fallen secretly in love with so many men but have never told them. Hell, I moved halfway across the world hoping to find love.

If I’m invited to parties, weddings, or anything of the like, I go in hopes that he’ll be there. I attend classes and frequent popular local spots to see if maybe I will bump into him.  I volunteer for random charities and clean-ups. I’ve spent hours on my knees, tears flowing to the floor, pleading with my God to help me find him. That prayer goes unanswered still.

When I do find him, I imagine there will be an epiphany. A moment long before we discuss our future where I will look into his suddenly-familiar eyes and say, “I looked everywhere for you.”

Susan "I Gotta Whole Lotta Love" B.